Before and After

I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. 

Mother Teresa

A Stress Shaped Brain Update

I first posted about a "stress shaped brain" HERE and thought I'd give a little update on what is working for us and how Zoya is progressing in this area (since I wish I could have found another blog with some pointers on what to do to help her hopefully this will help someone else going through a similar situation).

From that post you will remember me saying that some children who are adopted from orphanages may produce lower levels or cortisol.  I also quoted this from  "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child: From Your First Hours Together" by Patty Cogen. 

Beyond providing support and care, parents of an internationally adopted child must teach the child’s brain to override its automatic stress responses. The child must learn how to use the most advanced, conscious part of his brain, where rational choice and the conscious ability to self-soothe reside. In short, parents must help create and activate the “brain supervisor”—the part of the brain that uses conscious choice and reason—which can soothe the overreactive, negative, fight-or-flight “workers.”

So I read that and was like "okay this makes total sense and this is exactly what is happening with Zoya....but how in the world do I do that???" I found two things that have really helped teach Zoya to "override her automatic stress response."



The first thing we realized was that Zoya needed help learning how to self soothe. Having not had any other children other than Zoya, I was pretty clueless as to how to teach this since it seems that is something that just comes naturally to most babies/kids. I've realized that although I can help Zoya make up for lost time in the areas of gross and fine motor skills, cognitive skills, and speech skills, the only way to make up for lost time in the emotional development is to just give it time....keep loving on her and showing her she is safe every day.  Each day is like a deposit in her "safety bank."  Anyways, back to self soothing....my smart friend Shelly suggested giving her a comfort item to help her self soothe. We chose her heart shaped pillow that she just has to have to go to sleep...naturally it WAS kind of already a comfort item. So like I said before, Zoya gets upset just like other kids for whatever reason, but the problem then becomes her not being able to calm down...she would continue crying and being upset and clingy for hours sometimes. This behavior was fairly new and I really think it was partly due to her just experiencing so many emotions she hadn't experienced before. It kind of all hit her at once.

So with the pillow, like all things I do, I broke it down into steps. I started by handing Zoya the pillow when she was upset while holding her at the same time. I taught her that it was her "happy pillow." I modeled myself being sad and then grabbing the pillow and smiling big and saying HAPPY! The next step was to pick Zoya up when she was upset (still) and then give her the pillow and sit down right next to me on the couch holding the pillow. The third step was still picking her up when she was upset, then telling her we needed to find her pillow, then putting her back down to grab her own pillow and walk back to the couch holding my hand and sitting next to me while holding her happy pillow. Next, when I would sense her getting upset, I would say go find your pillow. And she'd run and find it and squeeze it. Sometimes she needed a hug too, other times she didn't. She is now at the point (the majority of the time), that when she feels herself starting to get upset she signs "pillow" and goes to look for it on her own!

The second thing that has worked really well is giving her feelings a name. So simple, yet we weren't doing it. When she gets upset we try to empathize with her and say, "Oh you're feeling so sad aren't you?" or "did that make you feel sad?"  And then she signs sad. We tell her it's okay to feel sad but that she is safe with us and soon she will feel happy again. This has helped greatly!

We have made SO MUCH PROGRESS in the past month with self soothing. Zoya still gets upset, sometimes for reasons we don't know, but if she even does cry it is short lived and she is able to continue on with her day without having it ruin the whole day and often times without needing nearly as much help from us! Of course there are still times when she'd prefer to have her Mama or Daddy snuggle her just because she needs a little extra loving and we happily give her those snuggles. Oh how I love her snuggles and sweet kisses!

So lucky to have eachother to snuggle with!

Zoya kept asking me to take pictures and then wanting to see them...what a ham! But isn't that smile radiant?

Beautiful girl...I love how the tips of her ears bend forward and stick out a little :)

Zoya was listening to her numbers DVD and was sooo excited when ZERO came on the screen...she yelled "REEEEE-ROOOOOOWWW" (zero).

My sweet girl makes my days brighter!

A "Stress Shaped Brain"

I've always tried to keep this blog honest and truthful about our experience with international special needs adoption, while not wanting to say anything that would scare someone away from making the beautiful wonderful choice we made when we decided to adopt Zoya.  Well it's not big secret the last month has been pretty trying...my lack of posts is partly due to no time and a million commitments, and partly due to just not wanting to depress all my blog readers right along with me! Being a parent is definitely the hardest job on the planet! Being a first time parent of a TWO YEAR OLD with special needs who has lived in a less than desirable orphanage is hard! Any one of those things on their own is hard and then to put them all together complicates the matter even more. Don't get me wrong, we wouldn't change our path for the world...it's just that the right path isn't always the easiest path. Like any other parent, I second guess myself all the time and wonder if I'm going to make a decision that will ruin my child's life. So much of what I'm going through is SO ABSOLUTELY NORMAL as confirmed by all my mama friends.

Zoya has had a rough past several weeks emotionally. Lots of adoptive parents say that right around a year home they notice changes in behavior like this. I'm not sure why around a year home or if its just a coincidence. Zoya has also been getting her last two bottom molars for over a month now!!! Ouch. These have by far been the hardest for her. Zoya has also gone through such a huge global developmental burst within the past month, which also sometimes causes some changes in behavior. She is MISS INDEPENDENT and there is no convincing her otherwise. She has had a big burst especially in speech and gross motor skills, but even more so in independence skills! Ha!  Zoya has definitely learned to cry...I so remember when she didn't know how to cry and I worked so much with her to teach her when it was appropriate to cry. Now I'm kicking myself! Haha, not really, but you know. Like any other kid, Zoya now cries....when she's hurt, when she's sick, when she gets in trouble sometimes, when she is scared...you get the idea. The difference with Zoya is that she has NO IDEA how to self soothe and she CANNOT calm herself down when she gets upset. I guess it's a great thing that she seeks us out to comfort her and most of the time as long as she can be glued to us after she is upset, she is okay. I don't mean glued to us for ten minutes, I'm talking she often needs to be glued to us for hours after getting upset. I'm not sure why she goes through cycles with this, but I sort of think it's almost to check and see if we're still going to be there for her....and she checks sub-consciously by going through these cycles of clingy-ness. I have no idea if that's even close to whats happening but it's my best idea :)

We've always been very aware that Zoya needs us to keep somewhat of a structure for her....more than non-adopted children, especially during the first year home. Lots of people don't understand this, but I know our schedule and structure has been exactly what Zoya needs. Anyways, I struggle to understand the cause of Zoya's behaviors because she is so complex. I always say, "Is it Zoya's personality? Is it down syndrome related? Is it orphanage related? Is it two year old related?" I am a "fixer" and if something is broken I will figure out what I need to do to fix it. With Zoya, I've racked my brain asking myself all these questions, knowing that every other 2 year old goes through many of the same behaviors. But there is a difference in Zoya's emotional regulation...like I already said. We knew internationally adopted children often suffer from the neglect they faced in their lives prior to being adopted. I guess I just always thought Zoya was young enough that she wouldn't be phased by any of it. I'm learning that it will always be a part of her, even if she doesn't remember what happened to her....it has shaped who she is.  I've struggled all along with guilt...this crazy guilt that I have nothing to do with...this guilt that MY DAUGHTER spent her first two years in a pretty bad place without ever learning the things most babies learn naturally....things like trust and self soothing. I feel horrible about it. I know I can't change it. At what point do I just let it go? Can I let go of it? I think I always have to keep it in the back of my mind to remind myself that Zoya has different needs than other kids who weren't adopted.  Lots of books talk about "family age" which would be how long the child has been home...for Zoya that is about a year old then. They suggest treating your child emotionally and behaviorally as a child of that age instead of their real age. I forget that sometimes because Zoya is so much like a two year old.

I've been reading "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child: From Your First Hours Together" by Patty Cogen. Some things really struck me when I was reading this....especially where they talk about the "stress-shaped brain." Here is a little excerpt that describes Zoya's emotional responses pretty perfectly:

Resiliency is the ability to bounce back from a stressful situation, without getting stuck in stress-based reactivity and the fight-or-flight response. Resiliency is needed to manage or control strong feelings-hunger, fatigue, excitement, joy, anger, and grief. Resiliency includes behavioral and emotional self-control. It helps a child to calm down after a fall, to wait patiently when hungry or tired, and to handle separation.

Resiliency in the “child next door” is the result of the child having been well protected and well supported by a parent. Resiliency in a child adopted from overseas is that and more. Beyond providing support and care, parents of an internationally adopted child must teach the child’s brain to override its automatic stress responses. The child must learn how to use the most advanced, conscious part of his brain, where rational choice and the conscious ability to self-soothe reside. In short, parents must help create and activate the “brain supervisor”—the part of the brain that uses conscious choice and reason—which can soothe the overreactive, negative, fight-or-flight “workers.”

What we know about how the stress-shaped brain operates comes from many studies or neglected, abused, or traumatized children. This research has demonstrated that cortisol, a hormone that calms the stress response, is significantly lower in such children. Thus these children have difficulty calming or remaining calm under even minimally stressful conditions.

Basically, I think Zoya reacts to stressors the same as other children at first, but then is unable to calm herself because her "stress-shaped brain" is not producing the right amount of cortisol to help her calm down or soothe herself as typical children could.

Here is where it gets tricky...I don't want to overplay the "stress shaped brain" thing...I want to keep it in the back of my mind but not focus on it so much that it becomes an excuse. I think this is probably only a small piece of the puzzle with Zoya's emotional distress lately.  Zoya is capable of overcoming so much...as she has already proven to us...but figuring out how to overcome this is proving to be quite tricky. It's already hard enough to balance love and discipline, then to throw this into the mix...things get about as clear as mud for me! It will likely be a part of who she is forever but I know I can help her learn, in time, to regulate her emotions a little bit differently.

And then I think to myself....am I doing anything right? You know how that goes! Parenting has been a lesson for me in losing a little of my pride (along with some of my confidence Ha!). Zoya is my life...my lovey girl who I wouldn't trade for the world. I just want to do everything I can to help her be the best she can be...and when you don't know what to do sometimes you end up feeling pretty awful. It's part of being a parent. For me parenting has been learning how fierce my love is for this precious girl, my daughter. It's been  learning what it feels like to wear my heart on my sleeve, loving so deeply it hurts, and experiencing such a powerful connection with this little soul that she and I are now forever entwined as one...each of us needing the other to survive.  It's been a crazy beautiful road so far, and the bumps are what remind us that sometimes we need to slow down and enjoy the ride a little more.

And of course if you made it to the end of this post you deserve some Zoya cuteness!!

(P.S. Mya is still throwing up blood and shouldn't be after being on the meds for a few days so she will have to have a scope done next week...the other possibilities are a really bad ulcer or something worse I'd rather not type. Praying it's an ulcer).