A Breakthrough!

Those of you who've followed our story since we adopted Zoya know that she's had some struggles along the way....just like most kids do. For Zoya, though, her struggles have centered around anxiety. Last spring she was officially given a diagnosis of Anxiety Disorder and started a tiny dose of medication to help with her anxiety. It has helped her A TON! I talked about her diagnosis and the decision to try medication in THIS POST. Check it out if you didn't read it before!  Take the time to read that post before you read any further or you might be confused by this post!

Yesterday, I was given a gift....a painful, yet amazing gift. After 3.5 years home, we're still on this healing journey and still learning things about our Zoya girl. Yesterday while the little ones were napping and Shawn was at work, Zoya asked to watch her "Ukraine Movie" as she calls it. You can see the video she's talking about HERE. We've watched this with her hundreds of times and I started by narrating her story out loud while she watched the video. I would say things like, "Mommy and Daddy were waiting to meet YOU in that picture!" and "That is the place you lived before Mommy and Daddy could get to you," or "Look! Zoya gets to go home forever with Mommy and Daddy." One thing I've always been careful NOT to do is insert emotions into my narrative or my story telling to her. Over time and watching the video so many times, she's been able to retell her adoption story. In fact, she LOVES hearing me tell the story, she asked for "Ukraine story" and when I tell it she usually likes me to hold her like a baby. I indulge her, I figure it's a great bonding and healing moment. Sometimes over the past year she's inserted some emotion into her story and said simple things like, "sad" or "happy" for certain parts, but that was about it. It's also worth noting that she did not like to watch the video when she was newly home...it usually made her upset, so we gave it a break for a while and then on each year anniversary home we would watch it with her. Sometime over the past year she has taken a much greater interest in it and in hearing her story overall.

Anyways, yesterday she was excited to watch the video...she watched it about 5 times narrating it each time and then moved on to something else. I video taped her watching it because she was so happy and doing such a great job narrating parts of her story. After playing for a bit she again asked for her "Ukraine Movie" and I let her watch it again, I'm so glad I did.

I put on the video, and walked into the kitchen (any other time she's watched it, Shawn and/or I are always with her watching it too). Shortly after it had started Zoya started yelling, "Scary!!!! Scary!!!! MAAAAAAMA SCARY!!!!" So I came running in having no idea what she was talking about. I said, "What's scary Zoya?" She said, "Born in Ukraine Scary!" I said, "why is it scary?" She just kept saying, "born in Ukraine scary!" and she genuinely looked scared. I felt as if the air was sucked right out of me and teared up. What do I say? I can't tell her it WASN'T scary because I know in my heart it was. We've always felt that Zoya went through some pretty traumatizing things, but have never KNOWN for sure and have never heard her talk about it. So I told her that Jesus was with her during that time and He kept her safe and that I was so sorry Mama and Daddy couldn't be there with her during that time. I told her I was sorry she was scared. I sat down on the couch next to her and just held her sweet little 5 year old self. In that moment she felt so little to me. As another picture came on the screen Zoya said, "sad" and I asked who was sad, she said "Zoya." I held her some more and she said clear as day, "I was so scared." A complete sentence of only 4 words but those words said so much. It was as if it wasn't even Zoya that was speaking....it was really one of the most surreal experiences I've ever had. I had to keep checking myself to make sure we were really having that conversation. I tear up just thinking back to it. The part of the video where we walk out of the orphanage gates with her came on and she got very very quiet with big eyes. When the picture of Shawn holding her up in celebration in front of the gates came on, she said, "always safe now, thank you Mama." I looked at her eyes, mine now full of tears, and held her face in my hands and just kissed her over and over and over. She just kept saying, "Thank you, thank you mama, thank you." I told her how much I loved her and reminded her she'd always be safe with us and she never has to be scared alone again. I told her whenever she is scared she will have a Mommy and Daddy to make her feel safe. I felt as if I was talking to a much older person, the whole thing was just so surreal. I never in a million years imagined at 5 years old, she'd have that conversation with me, EVER!

When Shawn walked in I still had tears in my eyes, sitting on the couch with Zoya and tried to relay to him what had just happened. She has since watched the video and said a few similar things, but not to the conversational level that happened yesterday! I could not get this event out of my mind...it was all so vivid but almost seemed like a dream!  A few hours after it happened, I remembered the night before I was thinking a lot about my Grandpa. I've blogged about him and how I believe his spirit followed us on Zoya's adoption journey HERE. I talked to my Grandpa as if he was right here sitting next to me and told him I missed him. I thought about the times I felt his presence shortly after his passing and through Zoya's adoption and told him how much I missed him and that I'd love to know he's still with me. I do believe this conversation with Zoya was a gift from him. You may think it sounds crazy, but I've learned to graciously accept these beautiful unexplainable things in life as gifts. I suspect the Lord used my Grandpa's spirit to facilitate this "breakthrough" of Zoya's.

Even though the conversation was fairly minimal, the words she did speak said so much....they confirmed the things I've suspected over the past 3.5 years. They gave me yet another layer of understanding to her underlying anxiety. I truly feel as if yesterday's events were a huge breakthrough on Zoya's path to healing, and on my path to help her heal. The fact that she was able to express herself and share her heart with me in this way is a gift I do not take for granted.  In those quiet moments together, she felt safe sharing her heart with me and the thought of that is so very overwhelming and magnificent. This new insight has been such a beautiful blessing!

THANK YOU! and Questions Answered...

Wow....I am humbled by all the comments and emails from all of you followers!!! You guys rock!! So many questions, thoughts, and ideas to look into....and so much support! My favorite comment was from anonymous, "I can say as a mother of 7 that kids are just nuts. I'm not kidding, if adults showed the type of behavior that I've seen in my 16 years of parenting my totally average kids, they would be on anti-psychotic medication." Right on sister! As I've said a million times, the hardest part of parenting a child with down syndrome who was adopted from an orphanage is trying to figure out what is causing some of the behaviors we see....DS? orphanage? toddler?  Is it totally normals stuff other 'typical' kids face too or is it above and beyond that? Having not parented any children before Zoya I'm always wondering what is normal and whats not. My instincts tell me theres something more than just typical weird kid behaviors, though it did make me feel so much better to hear some of the stories you left about strange and unexplainable behaviors in your own kids or kids you know.

So to answer some questions.....

Do you use melatonin?
Yes...we have since we arrived home with Zoya and it really does help her to settle down and fall asleep. She sleeps so well the first couple hours, and then starts the tossing and turning. We've noticed she goes through cycles of sleeping well followed by not sleeping well. When she was first home she NEVER slept soundly. Then she'd have a few week period where she'd sleep well, followed by a long period of restlessness. The restless periods have gotten to be less and less the longer she has been home, but we still see the cycle of restless sleep....thankfully the restful sleep periods are lasting longer and longer...we just happen to be in a restless period right now. That makes me think its likely more anxiety related than medical related, but I don't know.

 We had better results with a Magnesium supplement.  It is a natural stool softener and worked wonders.  Ours was in powder form from Kirkman labs (mail order or we would purchase it at our Dr. s office).  Another way to get magnesium into their systems is through a long soak in an Epsom Salt bath.  We also noticed that after we started the oral Magnesium supplement, our son seemed to sleep better through the night.  (Thank you Lord!)  I believe (and I've read) that it has a calming effect on the nervous system.
Thanks for this info...Zoya sees a nutrition specialist and I will ask about the magnesium. She takes calcium nightly which really helps to calm her as well...not sure if it has magnesium in it or not. I will definitely check into this. And cool advice on the epsom salt bath..thanks!

I know it sounds bad, but could she be sleeping too much (during the day)?
I really don't think so because she gets very crabby and tired and will lay on the floor and yawn and rub her eyes if it is past nap time some days. Some days I think she could skip the nap and be fine, but most days I know she really needs it. She falls asleep at night almost as soon as I put her in her bed.

Have you had her checked out physically lately to make sure there's no underlying illness such as blood sugar issues etc?
I don't know that there's ever been a thought to check blood sugar levels unless that is part of routine blood work that she would have had done.

Maybe that's just a coincidence, but when my son's doctor says to be careful to recognize the symptoms of hypothyroidism, she mentions the symptoms you mentioned above. We check the hormones once a year. Have you had this testing done?
Yes she is up to date on her annual thyroid testing...she will be due again in November. Everything was normal last time.

How does her anxiety manifest itself? Crying? Restlessness?
CRYING....LOTS OF CRYING. Funny thing is she pretty much had no idea how to cry when we met her. Then one day she realized her needs are met and she gets attention when she cries and she can cry to communicate with us. Then I wished she never learned to cry...LOL jk. Then she started having uncontrollable crying....like she could NOT get herself under control. She is learning to control her crying a bit better, but sometimes I feel like its a ticking time bomb never knowing when she'll just start crying due to anxiety....like if we go out to eat or something she is fine one minute and then has a look of terror the next. I went through a little bout of anxiety years ago and I remember feeling so out of control of my emotions so I wonder if she feels the same. We are trying to give her lots of tools to calm herself down when she starts getting upset. Like requesting her happy pillow or trying to let her feel in control by giving her choices.  Often she will ask for us to pick her up and then she feels much safer, but lately even THAT hasn't been enough at times.

Does the anxiety go away? Like, at speech does she relax? or is she anxious the entire time?
The anxiety usually lessens usually doesn't completely go away...she is always "on guard" in new situations. Like tonight at speech she was anxious at the beginning, then started to relax quite a bit, then every strange sound she heard (people walking or sneezing) she tensed up and got scared. Sudden sounds have really been bothering her lately and triggering anxiety. My brother sneezed really loud this weekend and it scared her so bad that she wouldn't even go near him until the next day LOL.

Also, I meant to add we are taking a break from therapy for the summer. Maybe a short break might be good for you, too?
Besides speech therapy we don't do any other outside therapies. We have been talking a lot about what we can cut out because we pretty much went from all in home therapies and not much else out of the house to outside speech therapy twice a week, swimming lessons, AND preschool, which could be a cause for the increased anxiety we are seeing. Too much too quick for Zoya. Swimming lessons are over, preschool is just once a week (but will be 3 mornings a week in the fall-we are working on a plan to slowly ease her into it).

From what I understand, it's recommended that every child with Ds have a sleep study by the age of 3. Apnea is just so prevalent. AND What does your doctor say about sleep apnea? Up to 75% of kiddos with down syndrome have sleep apnea (source is Up To Date)and it causes a myriad of problems.... Might be worth checking out- I believe that every child with down syndrome should have a sleep study done due to the likelihood of apnea.
I understand that as well (although no thanks to any doctor we've ever seen even bringing it up)...I found that fact out on my own and asked her primary ped. about it and she said a sleep study would be a nightmare for Zoya (which I totally agree with) and unless she is having issues that would point toward a sleeping disorder that she didnt' see a need. When we go back to the DS clinic in the fall I'm going to ask about it. But usually when doctors ask how she sleeps I say GREAT bc she sleeps so long...I tell them she has on and off cycles of restless sleep but nobody really seems concerned. She only snores if she has a cold...I know apnea can be present without snoring contrary to popular belief....but the usual options to fix it are to have tonsils and adenoids out and/or a c-pap machine....I really don't see Zoya keeping that on throughout the night. 
 I would recommend trying prune juice mixed with apple or orange juice. You can serve it cold or warmed up a touch. A small glass a day surely does wonders- a doctor I followed gave this in the hospital before starting any medications :)
We do diluted apple juice....the only thing about juices is the sugar content...Zoya does NOT do well with sugar so we try to keep the juices to a minimum...even natural fruit juices don't go over well with her. We tried regular prunes but Zoya gagged on those.

Anxiety- is one of the physicians that you are looking at talking to a developmental behavioral pediatrician? I rotated with one of these and he was FANTASTIC!!! May be something to look into if you are interested- in general they give parents strategies to deal with the behaviors to help the child cope.
The place we are hoping to get into in Cleveland has a DBP....this would be helpful (I hope they can give us ideas we haven't already tried).

So first off speech... I am in Ohio, but near Cincinnati so opposite ends here, but we have Help Me Grow and once approved (which DS make it automatic) they send a ST out to your house weekly. Is that not an option there?
I keep getting this question A LOT.  Our state does in home therapies up until age 3...Zoya was getting speech therapy once a week for an hour in our home. When she turned 3 services were turned over to the school district. In her IEP she has speech thearpy listed once a wee for 30 minutes...although most of that is not a pull out session...it is working with her in the classroom and helping classroom teachers know how to help her better with her communication. There is some pull out but definitely not enough for what Zoya needs. We started taking her to outpatient therapy once a week where we live and I still wasn't really seeing much improvement or progress like in all her other areas. That is when we decided to look into apraxia and the PROMPT therapy.  We had a private evaluation done by two PROMPT trained therapists who impressed me a whole lot (posted about it a month ago maybe...too lazy to link it up right now). They concluded Zoya has "severe motor planning disorder which is greatly limiting her ability to verbally communicate"....AKA apraxia. Play therapy does not work for apraxia. This specific PROMPT approach (google PROMPT therapy) is designed for kids with apraxia and after tonight's session I'm even more convinced this is THE ONLY WAY we are going to see improvement with Zoya's speech...this therapy is AH-MAZ-ING...it just stinks we have to drive so far to find a trained therapist. There is simply no substitute for this therapy.  Other mamas who've gone through the PROMPT therapy can chime in here with its awesomeness! Here is a blog (although I never commented) that got me really thinking about Zoya having apraxia and this is where I learned about PROMPT therapy and began researching it.

And just to add...as far as the poop situation....Zoya had awful diarrhea when we first brought her home, we finally did the gluten free diet and it did wonders....then she started having some constipation here and there...nothing horrible until last week when her teacher called me and said she was very worried about her. 3 hours later and she finally worked it out after miralax, 2 cups of apple juice, and a laxative...poor thing...then she gets scared to go the next time bc it hurt so bad...psychological constipation ha! That is why we decided to try the miralax but sheesh I'm thinking we could drop three grains of that stuff in her drink and it'd be enough after what happened these past few days...sheesh!

WOW THAT WAS A LOT! Thanks for all your comments and thoughts and ideas...you guys rock!

Off to prepare for our special visitors tomorrow....wait til you see whose coming!!!!!!!!!!!

The Tough Stuff

Today I'm gonna play the "parenting a child with special needs is really hard" card. Or maybe it's the "trying to get the help your child needs even when you are a very knowledgeable parent with a background in special education is near impossible" card.  (sigh) So go ahead and click the x at the top of your screen if you came here for cute pictures and happy thoughts today!

I've talked about Zoya's anxiety before. I've talked about having post traumatic stressors, possibly PTSD from orphanage life. She has specific triggers that make her very anxious and I just can't figure it all out. People with DS are more prone to anxiety disorders as well. So sorting out the cause of the anxiety and trying to figure out how we can help her has been difficult to say the least. Zoya is very comfortable and happy when she is home with us almost 100% of the time...its other places and people that make her anxious. I can't quite organize my thoughts fully with the situation and need some help...some professional advice....someone who will meet with her and us and give us an opinion of what is causing the anxiety and how we can help. We've tried all I know how to do. It seems to me the anxiety is getting worse and not better and I feel like I'm failing my girl. I will go to the ends of the earth to get her the help she needs but today I feel like I reached the end of the earth and fell off! LOL. I'm ready to waive the flag of surrender on this one.

So I contacted the fabulous doctor we saw at the adoption clinic in Pittsburgh when Zoya was first home.  She gave me a contact number for a group of professionals all in one place including a psychologist who specializes in PTSD, a Dr. who specializes in DS, and another who specializes in adoption. Well trying to call them and coordinate an appointment was harder than trying to get a hold of the President. I don't have energy to go into all the details....just hoping they call me back and we can get something scheduled and someone can help!

One question I do have, if anyone can answer.....Zoya sleeps 12 hours a night and usually naps 2 hours, sometimes 3 hours. I'm SO not complaining...but even after sleeping 12 hours some nights, like last night, she still seems tired.....tired in the "tired and cranky" sort of way....not always but sometimes.  I wonder if she is not sleeping well...she's always been a restless sleeper, but her ped. said it was nothing to worry about. I could request a sleep study but with her anxiety I might rather be fed piece by piece to sharks. Could the anxiety be a result of not sleeping well if she does has sleep apnea or some other sleep disorder? I suppose the only way to find out is a sleep study. Anyone have experience with anxiety cured by fixing a sleep disorder? It's a long shot but it can't hurt to ask...

And to top it off we have speech in Buffalo tonight, which is proving to be quite the ordeal....we go during rush hour which is the only time she has available (other than Zoya's nap time which would be even worse) and its been taking 2 hours to get there. Last time it took over two hours and then Zoya cried the first 10 minutes while I tried not to cry myself.  She needs this type of therapy, I can see progress already, but at what cost? When do we say enough and just hibernate in our house and enjoy life? I want her to be all she can be, but I want her happy too.  This might be the hardest part of parenting...knowing when to push and knowing when to lay off.  Finding that balance is hard.

And then there's the poop.....oh I've been up to my elbows in poop. Zoya had some pretty bad constipation a week ago so we started her on Miralax....Ummmm NO.THANK.YOU.MR.MIRALAX! This is even worse :( I've never experienced anything like it in my life! 4 changes of bedding, 4 loads of laundry, and 4 baths....in the past 2 days...well lets just say this is my new diet plan and its working fabulously well! AND I'm hoping its all out of her system before we get in the car and drive 2 hours to speech and 2 hours back tonight....

And this concludes the session on "I'm-having-a-bad-day-101." Thank you for your time...please feel free to fill out the evaluation form on your way out.

A Stress Shaped Brain Update

I first posted about a "stress shaped brain" HERE and thought I'd give a little update on what is working for us and how Zoya is progressing in this area (since I wish I could have found another blog with some pointers on what to do to help her hopefully this will help someone else going through a similar situation).

From that post you will remember me saying that some children who are adopted from orphanages may produce lower levels or cortisol.  I also quoted this from  "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child: From Your First Hours Together" by Patty Cogen. 

Beyond providing support and care, parents of an internationally adopted child must teach the child’s brain to override its automatic stress responses. The child must learn how to use the most advanced, conscious part of his brain, where rational choice and the conscious ability to self-soothe reside. In short, parents must help create and activate the “brain supervisor”—the part of the brain that uses conscious choice and reason—which can soothe the overreactive, negative, fight-or-flight “workers.”

So I read that and was like "okay this makes total sense and this is exactly what is happening with Zoya....but how in the world do I do that???" I found two things that have really helped teach Zoya to "override her automatic stress response."



The first thing we realized was that Zoya needed help learning how to self soothe. Having not had any other children other than Zoya, I was pretty clueless as to how to teach this since it seems that is something that just comes naturally to most babies/kids. I've realized that although I can help Zoya make up for lost time in the areas of gross and fine motor skills, cognitive skills, and speech skills, the only way to make up for lost time in the emotional development is to just give it time....keep loving on her and showing her she is safe every day.  Each day is like a deposit in her "safety bank."  Anyways, back to self soothing....my smart friend Shelly suggested giving her a comfort item to help her self soothe. We chose her heart shaped pillow that she just has to have to go to sleep...naturally it WAS kind of already a comfort item. So like I said before, Zoya gets upset just like other kids for whatever reason, but the problem then becomes her not being able to calm down...she would continue crying and being upset and clingy for hours sometimes. This behavior was fairly new and I really think it was partly due to her just experiencing so many emotions she hadn't experienced before. It kind of all hit her at once.

So with the pillow, like all things I do, I broke it down into steps. I started by handing Zoya the pillow when she was upset while holding her at the same time. I taught her that it was her "happy pillow." I modeled myself being sad and then grabbing the pillow and smiling big and saying HAPPY! The next step was to pick Zoya up when she was upset (still) and then give her the pillow and sit down right next to me on the couch holding the pillow. The third step was still picking her up when she was upset, then telling her we needed to find her pillow, then putting her back down to grab her own pillow and walk back to the couch holding my hand and sitting next to me while holding her happy pillow. Next, when I would sense her getting upset, I would say go find your pillow. And she'd run and find it and squeeze it. Sometimes she needed a hug too, other times she didn't. She is now at the point (the majority of the time), that when she feels herself starting to get upset she signs "pillow" and goes to look for it on her own!

The second thing that has worked really well is giving her feelings a name. So simple, yet we weren't doing it. When she gets upset we try to empathize with her and say, "Oh you're feeling so sad aren't you?" or "did that make you feel sad?"  And then she signs sad. We tell her it's okay to feel sad but that she is safe with us and soon she will feel happy again. This has helped greatly!

We have made SO MUCH PROGRESS in the past month with self soothing. Zoya still gets upset, sometimes for reasons we don't know, but if she even does cry it is short lived and she is able to continue on with her day without having it ruin the whole day and often times without needing nearly as much help from us! Of course there are still times when she'd prefer to have her Mama or Daddy snuggle her just because she needs a little extra loving and we happily give her those snuggles. Oh how I love her snuggles and sweet kisses!

So lucky to have eachother to snuggle with!

Zoya kept asking me to take pictures and then wanting to see them...what a ham! But isn't that smile radiant?

Beautiful girl...I love how the tips of her ears bend forward and stick out a little :)

Zoya was listening to her numbers DVD and was sooo excited when ZERO came on the screen...she yelled "REEEEE-ROOOOOOWWW" (zero).

My sweet girl makes my days brighter!

A "Stress Shaped Brain"

I've always tried to keep this blog honest and truthful about our experience with international special needs adoption, while not wanting to say anything that would scare someone away from making the beautiful wonderful choice we made when we decided to adopt Zoya.  Well it's not big secret the last month has been pretty trying...my lack of posts is partly due to no time and a million commitments, and partly due to just not wanting to depress all my blog readers right along with me! Being a parent is definitely the hardest job on the planet! Being a first time parent of a TWO YEAR OLD with special needs who has lived in a less than desirable orphanage is hard! Any one of those things on their own is hard and then to put them all together complicates the matter even more. Don't get me wrong, we wouldn't change our path for the world...it's just that the right path isn't always the easiest path. Like any other parent, I second guess myself all the time and wonder if I'm going to make a decision that will ruin my child's life. So much of what I'm going through is SO ABSOLUTELY NORMAL as confirmed by all my mama friends.

Zoya has had a rough past several weeks emotionally. Lots of adoptive parents say that right around a year home they notice changes in behavior like this. I'm not sure why around a year home or if its just a coincidence. Zoya has also been getting her last two bottom molars for over a month now!!! Ouch. These have by far been the hardest for her. Zoya has also gone through such a huge global developmental burst within the past month, which also sometimes causes some changes in behavior. She is MISS INDEPENDENT and there is no convincing her otherwise. She has had a big burst especially in speech and gross motor skills, but even more so in independence skills! Ha!  Zoya has definitely learned to cry...I so remember when she didn't know how to cry and I worked so much with her to teach her when it was appropriate to cry. Now I'm kicking myself! Haha, not really, but you know. Like any other kid, Zoya now cries....when she's hurt, when she's sick, when she gets in trouble sometimes, when she is scared...you get the idea. The difference with Zoya is that she has NO IDEA how to self soothe and she CANNOT calm herself down when she gets upset. I guess it's a great thing that she seeks us out to comfort her and most of the time as long as she can be glued to us after she is upset, she is okay. I don't mean glued to us for ten minutes, I'm talking she often needs to be glued to us for hours after getting upset. I'm not sure why she goes through cycles with this, but I sort of think it's almost to check and see if we're still going to be there for her....and she checks sub-consciously by going through these cycles of clingy-ness. I have no idea if that's even close to whats happening but it's my best idea :)

We've always been very aware that Zoya needs us to keep somewhat of a structure for her....more than non-adopted children, especially during the first year home. Lots of people don't understand this, but I know our schedule and structure has been exactly what Zoya needs. Anyways, I struggle to understand the cause of Zoya's behaviors because she is so complex. I always say, "Is it Zoya's personality? Is it down syndrome related? Is it orphanage related? Is it two year old related?" I am a "fixer" and if something is broken I will figure out what I need to do to fix it. With Zoya, I've racked my brain asking myself all these questions, knowing that every other 2 year old goes through many of the same behaviors. But there is a difference in Zoya's emotional regulation...like I already said. We knew internationally adopted children often suffer from the neglect they faced in their lives prior to being adopted. I guess I just always thought Zoya was young enough that she wouldn't be phased by any of it. I'm learning that it will always be a part of her, even if she doesn't remember what happened to her....it has shaped who she is.  I've struggled all along with guilt...this crazy guilt that I have nothing to do with...this guilt that MY DAUGHTER spent her first two years in a pretty bad place without ever learning the things most babies learn naturally....things like trust and self soothing. I feel horrible about it. I know I can't change it. At what point do I just let it go? Can I let go of it? I think I always have to keep it in the back of my mind to remind myself that Zoya has different needs than other kids who weren't adopted.  Lots of books talk about "family age" which would be how long the child has been home...for Zoya that is about a year old then. They suggest treating your child emotionally and behaviorally as a child of that age instead of their real age. I forget that sometimes because Zoya is so much like a two year old.

I've been reading "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child: From Your First Hours Together" by Patty Cogen. Some things really struck me when I was reading this....especially where they talk about the "stress-shaped brain." Here is a little excerpt that describes Zoya's emotional responses pretty perfectly:

Resiliency is the ability to bounce back from a stressful situation, without getting stuck in stress-based reactivity and the fight-or-flight response. Resiliency is needed to manage or control strong feelings-hunger, fatigue, excitement, joy, anger, and grief. Resiliency includes behavioral and emotional self-control. It helps a child to calm down after a fall, to wait patiently when hungry or tired, and to handle separation.

Resiliency in the “child next door” is the result of the child having been well protected and well supported by a parent. Resiliency in a child adopted from overseas is that and more. Beyond providing support and care, parents of an internationally adopted child must teach the child’s brain to override its automatic stress responses. The child must learn how to use the most advanced, conscious part of his brain, where rational choice and the conscious ability to self-soothe reside. In short, parents must help create and activate the “brain supervisor”—the part of the brain that uses conscious choice and reason—which can soothe the overreactive, negative, fight-or-flight “workers.”

What we know about how the stress-shaped brain operates comes from many studies or neglected, abused, or traumatized children. This research has demonstrated that cortisol, a hormone that calms the stress response, is significantly lower in such children. Thus these children have difficulty calming or remaining calm under even minimally stressful conditions.

Basically, I think Zoya reacts to stressors the same as other children at first, but then is unable to calm herself because her "stress-shaped brain" is not producing the right amount of cortisol to help her calm down or soothe herself as typical children could.

Here is where it gets tricky...I don't want to overplay the "stress shaped brain" thing...I want to keep it in the back of my mind but not focus on it so much that it becomes an excuse. I think this is probably only a small piece of the puzzle with Zoya's emotional distress lately.  Zoya is capable of overcoming so much...as she has already proven to us...but figuring out how to overcome this is proving to be quite tricky. It's already hard enough to balance love and discipline, then to throw this into the mix...things get about as clear as mud for me! It will likely be a part of who she is forever but I know I can help her learn, in time, to regulate her emotions a little bit differently.

And then I think to myself....am I doing anything right? You know how that goes! Parenting has been a lesson for me in losing a little of my pride (along with some of my confidence Ha!). Zoya is my life...my lovey girl who I wouldn't trade for the world. I just want to do everything I can to help her be the best she can be...and when you don't know what to do sometimes you end up feeling pretty awful. It's part of being a parent. For me parenting has been learning how fierce my love is for this precious girl, my daughter. It's been  learning what it feels like to wear my heart on my sleeve, loving so deeply it hurts, and experiencing such a powerful connection with this little soul that she and I are now forever entwined as one...each of us needing the other to survive.  It's been a crazy beautiful road so far, and the bumps are what remind us that sometimes we need to slow down and enjoy the ride a little more.

And of course if you made it to the end of this post you deserve some Zoya cuteness!!

(P.S. Mya is still throwing up blood and shouldn't be after being on the meds for a few days so she will have to have a scope done next week...the other possibilities are a really bad ulcer or something worse I'd rather not type. Praying it's an ulcer).

Keepin' It Real

This is one of those weeks I'd like to file under "SHRED." Oiy! It's one of those weeks where so many things go wrong that it's hard to focus on any one good thing. It's been one of those weeks where I feel like a failure at work and at home. I don't know where to start with this vent other than to say having $2,200 stolen out of your checking account from someone in London to buy a Rolex watch, deciding to find a new church family, having a sick child who only wants to be held and if she's not she's crying and by crying i mean screaming like someone put spikes in her seat (as my hubby says), being sick myself, feeling spread thinner than a pancake between work and home, sitting next to a dog who hasn't had a bath in God knows how long, and having a migraine the size of Texas....wwwaaaaahhhhhh!

The stolen money thing...just makes me plain angry. We work hard for our money and some jerk just thinks it's totally fine to buy a luxurious item with someone else's money.

The new church family thing....well I'm not going to say much other than lots of hurt in that area.

Sick child....first antibiotic for a throat infection and trying to figure out what the heck is going on with her is just exhausting. Days like today remind me that my child spent her first almost two years in an orphanage alone and it will take time for her to develop emotionally. Every so often (almost always when she is sick, teething, or just had vaccines) Zoya picks something to be terrified of....something she has done a million times before with no issues.....once it was one of her previous favorite videos that she decided to be terrified of, once it was napping in her crib, once it was wearing her therapeutic listening headphones, and now it is sitting at the kitchen table to eat. I. HAVE. NO. IDEA! My theory is that she is NOT being manipulative, although I used to think that right up until an hour ago actually. All I can think is when she is sick she is reminded of being sick for so long with nobody to love her. I don't think she has actual flashbacks or memories of what happened, but I do think there is some chemical stress response in her body due to her lack of bonding with a parent for almost two years and it is triggered when she is sick because her brain learned to make that connection during her "alone years"...sick and alone equals terrified so sick (even though she isn't alone) is enough to trigger the same terrified emotions.  I know kids are not fun when they are sick, but with Zoya it is different. It is like she is terrified and needs to be held and reassured that she will not be left alone. It is so sad to see. She seriously looks scared to death. I'm trying to learn how to be a better parent to Zoya...finding the balance between love and discipline and figuring out how to help her without going overboard and spoiling her rotton because I feel so guilty about her first two years alone. It is NOT easy, I'm not gonna lie. In fact at one point tonight poor Shawn had to deal with both me AND Zoya crying. 98% of the time Zoya is the happiest kid on the planet, but when she goes through these phases it is just plain difficult. I start to question myself on every decision I make and wonder what I could/should be doing differently for her. I focus on just this and not all of the amazing things she has done in the past 10 months....her test scores alone jumped on average 21 months in development in 10 short months. But on days like today none of that is enough to make me feel like I'm not a huge failure.

The being sick myself thing is not a huge deal except on top of everything else it just makes me feel even poopier.

Feeling spread thin between work and home will be a never ending working mom battle I will always have to deal with as long as I'm working. It's just not an easy thing. The guilt of feeling like I'm doing a half-as*ed job at everything is incredible.

And my dog smells bad but that is the least of my worries LOL!

The migraine will eventually go away even if it's not until summer vacation....but still.....

So this is me keeping it real so you don't all look at my incredibly adorable happy pictures and think life is always easy and happy....nope...not by a long shot....days like today have a purpose of helping me to be more thankful for all the good days. And now I'm going to suck it up and stop whining and wait for your encouraging comments :)