Zoya's ALMOST 6 YEARS OLD!

This little Bee spent her last day as a FIVE YEAR OLD today! Tomorrow she turns SIX! I can't even begin to believe this!!! She is so very excited about her birthday and keeps saying "SIX YEARS OLD!!!!!!!"

This picture captures the essence of my Zoya girl! 

Here's a little interview with Zoya about turning SIX YEARS OLD! 

I have her trying to guess what her gift is....so far she's guessed cake, a card from Gramma Liz, and a "big boat...." Yah wouldn't that be nice??? 

Shawn tried convincing me that Zoya asked for one of these for her birthday:

Yesterday Grandma and Grandpa Bee came to visit to kick off Zoya's birthday celebration!

She is in love with her new hat and....

 her REAL LIFE blood pressure cuff!!!! HA! Seriously this girl REAAAAALLLLLY wanted a real one. 

When Grandma Bee asked what she wanted I told her she REALLY wanted this...but I understood if she didn't think a blood pressure cuff was a fun birthday gift! Zoya, however, thinks it's the most fun gift ever! 

The only girl I know who can pull off a backwards hat with a beautiful dress! 

Of course Sofia and Mila got some consolation birthday gifts as well....Sofia likes her hat! 

 We had this stupid great idea to go out to eat for lunch with all 3 girls :)....It wasn't THAT bad ;)

Mila was the life of the table with her silly antics! 

I didn't get a picture of Zoya's face when we were singing to her, but it was priceless! 

Home for double tickle time! 

 Sofia mid-sneeze

Isn't that just all kinds of gross cute?

Sofia and Grandpa Bee

Staring contest....

We always attempt group shots but almost never get a good one, oh well! If you're wondering who the 4th Little Bee is, that would be the ginormous freaky baby who has lived here for 4 years now! 

Mila trying to make her get-away!

Ahh well THIS one is cute at least!! :)

Goodnight my 5 year old, tomorrow you'll be SIX YEARS OLD! 

Our prayers for you, sweet Zoya girl, are that this year would be your best yet. That you'd keep letting your light shine so bright, freely give your amazing love to others, and that you'd find peace in the deepest crevices of your soul! You are the light of our lives! 

A Breakthrough!

Those of you who've followed our story since we adopted Zoya know that she's had some struggles along the way....just like most kids do. For Zoya, though, her struggles have centered around anxiety. Last spring she was officially given a diagnosis of Anxiety Disorder and started a tiny dose of medication to help with her anxiety. It has helped her A TON! I talked about her diagnosis and the decision to try medication in THIS POST. Check it out if you didn't read it before!  Take the time to read that post before you read any further or you might be confused by this post!

Yesterday, I was given a gift....a painful, yet amazing gift. After 3.5 years home, we're still on this healing journey and still learning things about our Zoya girl. Yesterday while the little ones were napping and Shawn was at work, Zoya asked to watch her "Ukraine Movie" as she calls it. You can see the video she's talking about HERE. We've watched this with her hundreds of times and I started by narrating her story out loud while she watched the video. I would say things like, "Mommy and Daddy were waiting to meet YOU in that picture!" and "That is the place you lived before Mommy and Daddy could get to you," or "Look! Zoya gets to go home forever with Mommy and Daddy." One thing I've always been careful NOT to do is insert emotions into my narrative or my story telling to her. Over time and watching the video so many times, she's been able to retell her adoption story. In fact, she LOVES hearing me tell the story, she asked for "Ukraine story" and when I tell it she usually likes me to hold her like a baby. I indulge her, I figure it's a great bonding and healing moment. Sometimes over the past year she's inserted some emotion into her story and said simple things like, "sad" or "happy" for certain parts, but that was about it. It's also worth noting that she did not like to watch the video when she was newly home...it usually made her upset, so we gave it a break for a while and then on each year anniversary home we would watch it with her. Sometime over the past year she has taken a much greater interest in it and in hearing her story overall.

Anyways, yesterday she was excited to watch the video...she watched it about 5 times narrating it each time and then moved on to something else. I video taped her watching it because she was so happy and doing such a great job narrating parts of her story. After playing for a bit she again asked for her "Ukraine Movie" and I let her watch it again, I'm so glad I did.

I put on the video, and walked into the kitchen (any other time she's watched it, Shawn and/or I are always with her watching it too). Shortly after it had started Zoya started yelling, "Scary!!!! Scary!!!! MAAAAAAMA SCARY!!!!" So I came running in having no idea what she was talking about. I said, "What's scary Zoya?" She said, "Born in Ukraine Scary!" I said, "why is it scary?" She just kept saying, "born in Ukraine scary!" and she genuinely looked scared. I felt as if the air was sucked right out of me and teared up. What do I say? I can't tell her it WASN'T scary because I know in my heart it was. We've always felt that Zoya went through some pretty traumatizing things, but have never KNOWN for sure and have never heard her talk about it. So I told her that Jesus was with her during that time and He kept her safe and that I was so sorry Mama and Daddy couldn't be there with her during that time. I told her I was sorry she was scared. I sat down on the couch next to her and just held her sweet little 5 year old self. In that moment she felt so little to me. As another picture came on the screen Zoya said, "sad" and I asked who was sad, she said "Zoya." I held her some more and she said clear as day, "I was so scared." A complete sentence of only 4 words but those words said so much. It was as if it wasn't even Zoya that was speaking....it was really one of the most surreal experiences I've ever had. I had to keep checking myself to make sure we were really having that conversation. I tear up just thinking back to it. The part of the video where we walk out of the orphanage gates with her came on and she got very very quiet with big eyes. When the picture of Shawn holding her up in celebration in front of the gates came on, she said, "always safe now, thank you Mama." I looked at her eyes, mine now full of tears, and held her face in my hands and just kissed her over and over and over. She just kept saying, "Thank you, thank you mama, thank you." I told her how much I loved her and reminded her she'd always be safe with us and she never has to be scared alone again. I told her whenever she is scared she will have a Mommy and Daddy to make her feel safe. I felt as if I was talking to a much older person, the whole thing was just so surreal. I never in a million years imagined at 5 years old, she'd have that conversation with me, EVER!

When Shawn walked in I still had tears in my eyes, sitting on the couch with Zoya and tried to relay to him what had just happened. She has since watched the video and said a few similar things, but not to the conversational level that happened yesterday! I could not get this event out of my mind...it was all so vivid but almost seemed like a dream!  A few hours after it happened, I remembered the night before I was thinking a lot about my Grandpa. I've blogged about him and how I believe his spirit followed us on Zoya's adoption journey HERE. I talked to my Grandpa as if he was right here sitting next to me and told him I missed him. I thought about the times I felt his presence shortly after his passing and through Zoya's adoption and told him how much I missed him and that I'd love to know he's still with me. I do believe this conversation with Zoya was a gift from him. You may think it sounds crazy, but I've learned to graciously accept these beautiful unexplainable things in life as gifts. I suspect the Lord used my Grandpa's spirit to facilitate this "breakthrough" of Zoya's.

Even though the conversation was fairly minimal, the words she did speak said so much....they confirmed the things I've suspected over the past 3.5 years. They gave me yet another layer of understanding to her underlying anxiety. I truly feel as if yesterday's events were a huge breakthrough on Zoya's path to healing, and on my path to help her heal. The fact that she was able to express herself and share her heart with me in this way is a gift I do not take for granted.  In those quiet moments together, she felt safe sharing her heart with me and the thought of that is so very overwhelming and magnificent. This new insight has been such a beautiful blessing!

HAPPY HEART DAY ZOYA!

October 14, 2013 marked the FOUR YEAR anniversary of Zoya's heart surgery. Zoya had open heart surgery in Ukraine at 16 months of age. Last year I blogged about my feelings on Zoya going through open heart surgery alone in Ukraine. You can read that post HERE.

Sometimes I almost can't stomach the thought that Zoya went through that surgery all alone. I know, in my heart, the Lord was there with her, and I hope that she was not scared, going through that all alone.  My human mind can't imagine how she could have such a strong will to live to make it through that surgery, nor can it fathom our tiny little Zoya girl going through that without us by her side (especially, as I said in the post linked above, after seeing Mila go through open heart surgery).  I know my God is capable of wiping those memories from her little memory bank and I pray for that!

I want to remember how thankful I am to Zoya's orphanage director for reaching out to a colleague who offered to do Zoya's heart surgery. The director told us that Zoya became more and more sick as time went by and finally she was not eating at all, not breathing well, and losing weight. We understand how big of a miracle it is that she actually DID have the opportunity to have open heart surgery as an ORPHAN. It doesn't happen often. However, with Zoya's specific heart defects, had she been born here, she'd have likely had her heart repaired by the age of 3 months...at the very latest 9-12 months old if she was gaining weight and doing well. She was 16 months old when she had her heart surgery in Ukraine. We committed to her in September 2009 and were told she would need heart surgery when she got home. We were praying for her because we knew we probably wouldn't travel for at least 5-6 months after that. Sometime in November 2009, I opened my email while on my lunch break at work and saw the email from our facilitation team that said she had gone through open heart surgery on October 14th. My first thought was complete sadness, followed by thankfulness. It was such a mix of emotions. All I could think was she went through that alone, but thankful thoughts quickly followed. After talking to the director during our adoption of Zoya, it's clear she couldn't have waited until we got there, and we simply can NOT imagine our lives without our sweet girl. We are so grateful to God for orchestrating that!

Zoya had a recent cardiology check up and we are back to annual visits instead of every two years. When we first had Zoya's heart checked when she was newly home, the cardiologist said the right side of her heart was bigger than it should be. He explained that it was large because it had worked so hard for so long with blood flowing in the wrong direction. At that time he told us that this may play into her life expectancy (much into the future), although obviously nobody can know. Over the next few cardiology visits the size of the right side of her heart appeared to be getting smaller and healthier. At her last visit he brought up again, that the right side of her heart is showing a little dysfunction but not enough to cause any problems at this point in time. He thinks, at this point in time, her heart is functioning as good as can be expected and she won't likely have any congestive heart failure issues any time in the near future. He said any changes that may happen would happen slowly over time. So while that made us feel better, it sure reminds us how precious life is. We are so thankful for every single day the Lord blesses us with each one of our loved ones. It's a reminder to make each and every day count! Tomorrow's not promised...heart defects or not.

We have a total of 5 pictures of Zoya that were taken before we met her. It's like putting together pieces of a timeline with very few clues. I'm grateful for these pictures as they give a glimpse into her life before us. Again, it feels like she's ALWAYS been here and it almost seems like a cruel joke someone is playing on me when I'm reminded she went through 22 months of life without us. When I look at the pictures below, I see our Zoya girl, trapped, and scared. You can't deny the look of fear and lack of love in her pictures. Knowing her now, and looking back at these pictures, I can best describe them as a candle's flame nearing the end of it's light...there are flickers of hope I see in her eyes, but flickers of despair as well and, well, that just kills me.

This is the picture that was on Reece's Rainbow that we (Shawn!) fell in love with! We thought for sure she'd have red hair. Instead she's more of a dirty blonde with strawberry highlights! 

We were told these pictures were recent when we committed to her. However we committed in September and with the Christmas tree behind her, I'm pretty sure these pictures must have been taken in December the year before (2008). That would mean she was 6.5 months old in these two pictures. Notice the hand holding her head up? Look at her tiny fingers and her HUGE blue eyes. Those ears can't be mistaken for any other child and her heart shaped mouth is just so perfect too! 

The orphanage director gave us this newborn picture, along with a baptism certificate and cross that belonged to Zoya. Those eyes are unmistakable! I always look at this picture and wish so much that I could have known her then, held her then, and loved her then. She looks well taken care of in this picture with that beautiful sweater. I'm not sure if this picture was taken at the hospital or the orphanage. Oh my sweet girl! 

And these pictures were also given to us by the orphanage director. I'm assuming they are from Christmas 2010. We were only about 3 months away from meeting her when this picture was taken! She looks much healthier here than in her previous year's Christmas picture....clearly doing much better (medically speaking) after her heart surgery. She was about 18 months old in this picture. They sure dressed her up pretty for her Christmas picture that year! They knew she had a family coming!

Oh, what I'd give to just hold this sweet girl and tell her it was all going to be okay! So thankful,now, that I can do that every day for the rest of my life!

HAPPY 4TH HEART DAY ZOYA! I'm sorry I wasn't there to hold your hand through your surgery, but Jesus held your heart in His hands, which was much better than what I could have done anyways. I'm so thankful that your heart was fixed so you could spend your life with us. We don't deserve the unconditional love you give us, and we feel forever grateful for that sweet little mended heart of yours! 

Happy 5th Birthday Zoya!

I can't believe my baby girl is no longer 4! Somehow FOUR seemed like the last baby year to me. Zoya had a great day today. She got to celebrate her birthday at school. She must have really enjoyed her day because when we left she said "more school please!" Usually by the end of her morning she's ready to come home, but not today! She talked about how she liked passing out her special snack to the class! She got to eat chocolate chip pancakes for dinner and ice cream cake for dessert! She loved her gift and was pretty good at using it! 

I couldn't help but think about how different her life could have been had we not answered God's call to bring her home! Praise God for LOVING her and saving her! She could have been celebrating her 5th birthday by rocking on a cold hard cement floor of an adult mental institution. BUT instead she celebrated by rocking in her mama's arms before bed! She could have celebrated while she laid tied to a bed so she didn't bother anyone. Instead, she celebrated by snuggling in bed reading her special birthday book! She could have easily been spending her 5th birthday staring at a wall, bored to tears. Instead she celebrated by riding her new scooter in the fresh air. She could have been denied an education because she was born with Down Syndrome. Instead, she attended an AMAZING school with typical peers with teachers and friends who love her for her! She could have had food shoveled down her throat at break-neck speed. Instead she had her favorite special meal lovingly prepared and enjoyed each and every bite slowly. She could have spent her 5th birthday alone, feeling worthless and unwanted. Instead, she celebrated with family and friends who love her greatly.  Thankfully, all those "coulds" were never in the cards for Zoya because that was NEVER God's plan for this sweet girl! But today, as I thanked God for her life over and over, I thought of all those 5 year old orphans whose lives fall into the "could" category, except instead of a hypothetical, it's a reality. A cold, hard, reality for a tiny little person like our Zoya girl. 

I woke up with the "somewhere out there" song from Fivel in my head today, picturing my itty bitty newborn Zoya girl all alone in the hospital. Her records read, "birth mother did not wish to feed her or see her, abandoned the child." I thought a lot about this day 5 years ago and what it looked like, for Zoya, for her birth mother, and for us. I have no idea what I was doing on her birthday. Each year on her birthday I think of her birth mother and wonder if she's doing anything special to remember this anniversary. I wonder if she even knows if Zoya is alive. I pray that somehow her heart can feel the positive energy and feel that Zoya is okay. It will always be so strange to me that someone SO VITAL TO OUR LIFE will always be unknown. Someone so deeply connected to us in a way that is unfathomable...someone we'll never meet face to face (at least not this side of heaven). I am thankful for her birth mother. I'm thankful that even though I'm sure she was scared to death to find herself pregnant at 16 years old, that she chose to bring Zoya into this world. I will never know the effect that Zoya's birth had on her birth mother. I will never understand how the decision to leave her at the hospital shaped her life. I will never know what feelings her birth mother had surrounding her birth and subsequent diagnosis of Down Syndrome. I have to believe that she loved Zoya as much as she was able to. I will never be able to wrap my head around the fact that Zoya was not born of my own flesh. What I do know is that God is in the business of redemption. I am so thankful he chose to redeem our lives and Zoya's. We are so unworthy of His great love and sacrifice. We are so thankful that on this day 5 years ago someone (Jesus) was "thinking of her and loving her tonight" (even if it couldn't be us). I know on this day five years ago she heard Jesus whisper into her heart "hold on and rest in my arms while you wait." 

Waiting to open her birthday present! 

She asked to take it outside right away! 

Trying to catch up to Mila! 

She has always LOVED having happy birthday sung to her! Right before this she also made us have a surprise party for her! Zoya always has to have a surprise party LOL! 

Make a wish, baby! 

Sofia finally enjoyed ice cream! She can now tolerate cold foods! Yay because her birthday is in a few months :) 

Beneath the pale moonlight, Mama and Daddy are thinking of you, and loving you tonight!