After going through an open heart surgery with Mila, a whole new wave of complete sadness washed over me. When I first saw Mila after her open heart surgery, I was taken aback with how "sick" she looked. Once I gained enough composure to look at her again, a second wave washed over me and suddenly I felt as if I couldn't breathe because when I looked at her it hit me so hard that Zoya had been in that same position, all alone, without a mommy and daddy by her side. Tears poured out from my eyes as I ached seeing Mila so broken looking, and also grieved not being able to have been there for Zoya when she went through the same thing. Throughout Mila's somewhat difficult recovery, I thought often of Zoya. When I advocated for Mila, I was saddened that Zoya didn't have anyone to speak up for her needs. When Mila was in pain or discomfort and as I held her to comfort her, I ached thinking that Zoya, rather than finding comfort, likely found more distress and loneliness. As I stayed by Mila's bedside, only leaving to use the restroom, I hurt for my Zoya-girl who didn't have a mama hovering over her during her recovery. I can only pray that the Lord covered her during that time and sent angels to shield her.
I'll never be able to change the fact that we weren't there for her during that surgery. But I can surely change every single day since becoming her Mama! I thought about her surgery a lot today. As I looked at her I wondered if they really thought she'd survive, if they were just testing out their skills on an orphan, or if they were truly invested in saving her life. Knowing Zoya went through that pain and suffering without us certainly gives me a new perspective on her personality, post traumatic stress "stuff" and anxiety. Would she be just the same if she hadn't spent two years alone, going through traumatic things without a mama and papa? I still ask myself that question often out of curiosity, but it doesn't matter any more. She is our daughter, who we were born to love. We love her exactly as she is....happy days and tough days.
Tonight I'm thankful for the gift of Zoya, for her health, and for her beautiful personality. She is so vulnerable, so loving, so transparent, so born to share her spirit. Zoya hugged me a million times today. She stopped while she was playing just to smile at me and say "love you way more than you know" randomly, she helped me make cookies to celebrate Grandpa's birthday, she rocked her babies and sang "Baby Beluga," she loved on her sister, she giggled so hard while we tickled her....she took comfort in a lazy day at home knowing just how much she is loved and understanding that she is so very special to us. It was an amazing day to reflect on her sweet life, an an amazing day to remember how thankful we are for her healed heart and beautiful life!
|A walk down memory lane of my sweet Zoya girl and I!|