Ukraine doesn't just cross my thoughts a few times a day. I miss it so much some days I feel consumed by it. I long to return. These feelings surprise me, greatly. Especially because after Zoya's adoption I had no real desire to return to that country for a LONNNNNG time!
I don't know why I miss it so much. I don't know why a certain phone ringtone or song or smell can transport me right back to the 10 total weeks we spent in Ukraine and have me wishing I was there. There are little things I miss about Ukraine, like the slower pace of life, the living with so much less, the friends we made there, the experiences we had, the people. I loved that so many distractions were removed during our time in Ukraine....it was so much easier to hear the Lord's voice, and it was vital that we clung to Him. We had no other choice than to hand it all over. We needed Him like no other time...we were in constant communication. I felt His presence in almost every moment during our times in Ukraine. I long to feel that again. I can't get back to that no matter how hard I try.
I know part of me misses it so much because my children's roots are there and their roots are entwined with mine so deeply that there is simply no way to separate the two. Part of me misses it because I left a big part of my heart there with the little boys and girls still waiting for their mama and daddy. Part of me misses it because it is there that I started waking up from my nearly comatose life....there where I started to learn how many needs exist in this world and how little I had done to help anyone outside of my own backyard. It was there that I was forced to come to terms with the sadness and unfairness that exists in this world. It was in Ukraine that my perspective on life began to radically change.
But it feels like I miss Ukraine for more than all those reasons. Maybe I miss it so much because I feel that I have unfinished business there. I don't know what it is. I feel my heart being called to Ukraine, and it's a different kind of feeling than when we were called to adopt. I've been feeling so much unrest, trying to hear God's voice, and exactly what it might mean. I do know I miss it in a way I never imagined. Ukraine has a place in my heart like no other. I can't wait to share it's beauty with my girls one day.