Parenting is tough, no question about it. Going from one to two children in a year and a half is tough. Parenting kids with special needs is tough. Sorting out attachment/anxiety/adoption issues in your children is tough. Parenting a medically fragile babe is tough. Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for all that we have and wouldn't change it for anything, but today I'm disappointed in myself and my lack of patience, my frustration, my fatigue. I'm annoyed I can't be better at this. I fell short today for sure. I'm feeling misunderstood. I feel like I can't talk about the hard stuff because we chose this. We chose (and continue to choose) to follow God no matter what that means. We knew that meant tough days/weeks/months/seasons. We are in a difficult season, and I know it won't last forever, but trudging through in the moment is hard. We are being stretched in ways we never thought we could be. Hopefully we'll come out the other side stronger, more faithful. Days like today I question if we are right where we are supposed to be in this life. In my heart I know we are, but that ugly voice rears it's head more often than I'd like. If someone told us it would be this hard would we make the same decisions all over again? Probably, because this is what we were called to do, even on the worst, stinkiest, awful days where I feel like I couldn't have done any worse at this mother thing. I know we all have days like this, but I'm ready for some happier days...enjoying my girls and not stressing so much. We've been through a lot in these past 3 months, I need to cut myself some slack, but I'm so good at being my own worst critic, and it's so easy to let the enemy creep up on you and convince you that you've got it all wrong.
So thankful that tomorrow holds the promise of a new day and I can start all over....
The sun always comes up in the morning...always. You are SO strong, Sarah. Take deep breaths, and know tomorrow is a new day! Hugs to your family.
ReplyDeleteMy daughter and son have been reading about Zoya, since we started on the path to Sarah. They love watching your girls and see how their smiles are like our Sarah's. "She makes me laugh, Mama."
Your girls are going to make big waves in this wild, precious life. You've got front row seats to this amazing show. Enjoy it, embrace it, inhale it...mostly love every moment.
Praying for you all. Hope Zoya is doing okay with all of this. She is a sweetie and I cannot believe how much Mila has grown despite all of her setbacks. You and Shawn are blessed. I look forward to your updates.
ReplyDeletePlease don't be so hard on yourself. You are so tired and overwhelmed right now that it is easy to fall into that trap and feel all down and out (I know, I am the queen of doing it, too). My now adult child has a chronic pain illness and I remember a time when she was in elementary school that we spent more time at dr.'s offices and hospitals than anywhere and I doubted my ability to even take care of her at all. I felt overwhelmed, confused because the dr.'s didn't have the answers either and nothing hurts a mommy worse than to see pain on their child's face. Kids should not have to suffer and at any moment, I would have gladly taken her pain. It took a long time, but we got a diagnosis and began some treatment, but she will always have pain, the rest of her life. It still hurts me to see her in pain and I still question WHY? WHY? WHY? But, it doesn't change anything. I will tell you that it did make me a stronger, more compassionate person than I ever would have been without going through all that. I don't believe I could understand what some others go through if I hadn't experienced that with my own child. Trust in God as I know you do. He will get you through this. You will come out on the other side of this much stronger than you ever thought you could be. As you said, cut yourself some slack, just enjoy your girls one hour, one day at a time. This too shall pass. God bless you and I am praying for you!!!
ReplyDeleteA concerned mom
I just went through a really hard season with Jessie! I thought I was a horrible momma....but I'm coming out on the other side hopeful and full of the Lords promises....hang in there!!
ReplyDeleteOh Sarah....so many days I read your blogs and wish I could be half the mom you are. Do not beat yourself up. You are what they need....you girls are blessed to have each other.
ReplyDeletePraying, sweet Sarah, that you do find that "joy in the morning"! Knowing that God allows us trials to build our character and faith doesn't make it any easier for us to put our human insecurities aside. But knowing Him DOES renew us every morning! Praise him!! You are doing great! Keep talking about how hard it is to those who will listen...and never forget what the future would probably have held for Zoya and Mila had you not followed your hearts! VERY WELL DONE!!!! (((HUGS))) and prayers for your new day!!!
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. I fall short, often and a lot. I am glad you can write about it. Even though we have chosen this, you are still allowed to say that it is hard. Your perspective is right, God will be glorified and some things will get easier. I'd choose it again too, b/c God called us to adopt Evangeline. But we've had her home over two years and it has been way harder than I ever imagined. Hugs and prayers, hang in there. You are doing a great job.
ReplyDeleteYes, you chose this, but so did those of us with biological children! We all have days when we're disappointed in ourselves. Just do the best you can and try again tomorrow. I will say a prayer for you.
ReplyDeleteAmber
http://whatthecrosshasdone.blogspot.com
Welcome to the "worst mother ever" club! The good news? The club is standing room only and you may have to push and shove to find a spot, the club is packed to the rafters. :) I've got story after story from the last 14 years of trying to be a parent. The nature of my stories has changed over the years, the fact that I still have stories has not. You are not alone! Do not think for one single second that you are the only one thinking,saying,doing,being any of the things you have thought,said,did or were. Keep your eyes on Him - we're the ones who see our failures, not Him. Keep looking UP!
ReplyDeleteSending hugs and PRAYERS to you dear Friend!!!
ReplyDeleteSending hugs and PRAYERS to you dear Friend!!!
ReplyDeleteSarah-I wrote a long comment of support to you but I think it didn't went through (or you might have been offended...oh I hope not...)
ReplyDeleteIt was far more eloquent, but basically, I am a momma too and it is a really hard job. You have been through so much. Take a God's eye view of yourself and you will see a beautiful, caring, exhausted momma of two special needs kids.
I am thankful to the Healy family's comment: can I be part of the worst mother ever club? I think I already am.
Thank you for sharing your journey on your blog. Prayers your way.
Jane
reader/mom in Los Angeles
Amber said my thoughts exactly! You know what? Be proud you have those feelings, it means you really care about your children. If a Mama didn't have those feelings from time to time, that is when we should worry about her being the right one to raise a child. I for one don't mind hearing about the bad days as well as the good. We all have them and you are so very real in your blogging that to me telling about the hard days should be a natural part of the posts. Raising kids is hard period. Hugs and prayers for a good morning!
ReplyDeleteI agree with all the others...don't be so hard on yourself...cut yourself some slack...after all it's you and Zoya, who I have gotten so many ideas from for my own little Ellis Anne.
ReplyDelete"I feel like we can't talk about the hard stuff because we choose this.."
If I have thought this one time, I have thought it a thousand, no. a million times. I find myself comparing myself and how I handle myself with other families who have typical kids. I have trouble accepting that there are things that don't work for our family because of the fact that we have 2 little girls with special needs...OH YES, OH YES, they are worth it, but sometimes you struggle with wondering why everything has to be so hard. Why do we have to work so darn hard at everything we do.
YOU my dear bloggy friend are not alone. Don't forget it. Your days will get brighter. Praying for your family.
Stephanie Lynch
Ohhh, Sarah...I wish I could take away your frustration,stress and exhaustion. ALL of us have our down moments (some moments last days or weeks lol) but then, the clouds break thru and we look back and can see how God brought us through. I don't know you personally but I DO know you and Shawn are AWESOME parents!! Even if...you are stressed, even if you get frustrated and "lose it" with the kids sometimes by not responding in hindsight as you would have wished. Children are resilient and they love you no matter what! Just like our Lord! Forgive YOURSELF for any "failings" because He has already paid the price and forgiven you! He KNOWS your journey is not easy--and that is why He did not choose "just anyone" as parents for these precious angel girls of yours. I know you don't know me but..I am here to listen. I'd even send ya my phone number if you ever needed a cyber friend to talk to. And I will certainly continue to pray for you all. And how IS sweet Zoya doing with all of this? Is she by any chance acting out with all the changes/hospital trips or is she taking it all in stride? You guys are going to be just fine!! Hugs and prayers
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