I've never really liked the new year holiday. I don't know why. I've never gotten into big celebrations and being so excited about leaving one year behind and starting another. I hate change. I just do. Maybe it's the pressure of reflecting back on the past year and wondering if I did enough, lived enough, took enough risks, gave it my all, lived life to the fullest. Maybe it's the pressure of a new year starting...kind of like starting a huge new project or just sitting down to write a college paper that you know will inevitably take you many many hours and blood, sweat and tears. The getting started part is the hardest. I like projects to be well underway or finished. I don't love beginnings. I feel like as far as what I've been blessed with in 2010, 2011 could never beat that, so how could it get better? Maybe I'm having trouble letting go of 2010 because even though it was a tough year in many ways, it was probably my most life-changing year to date. Whatever it is, I'm not a fan of ending one year and starting another. It makes me feel older but mostly it makes me feel some sort of pressure to be a better person the next year.....pressure to set huge goals and strive for them....pressure to CHANGE something about myself....and, well, I don't like change. I need to learn to embrace change and learn to appreciate that failure is a necessity that makes us all better people in the end, and give up some control along the way. So I guess in this anti-new year post, I just stumbled my way to a new year's resolution...not an easy one either. Here's to new beginnings, falling and getting back up again with grace, and having enough faith to let go of the reins and just be a happy passenger in the carriage.
On another note, please pray for Zoya. She is scheduled to have surgery for tubes on Thursday. Yes, when we first came home she passed her hearing test with flying colors and it even made me question whether or not she might be a super hero....and her 3 hearing tests since have all been good as well. She hasn't had any ear infections either, so tubes are surprising. Since we've been home though she has had 4 audiology appointments and has failed the test they do to check for fluid in the ears...each time getting progressively worse, until the last two times her test was completely flat, meaning she has a LOT of fluid in her ears. Finally the audiologist gave us a referral to ENT, which I had asked the pediatrician about before, but she didn't see a need to send her. Anyways, the ENT said she has so much fluid that her ear drums are retracting, so they scheduled surgery for next week. They're also going to do an ABR hearing test while she is sedated to make sure she is hearing well in both ears...since apparently the "clapping monkey" hearing test can only tell if the child is hearing well in "at least one ear." I'm hoping this will help her to hear more clearly. Even though the behavioral hearing tests show she has great hearing, we're not sure how clear the sounds are to her. I asked the ENT if this could explain why when I say "binky" Zoya signs "stinky," or when I saw "sweet" she signs "sleep" or when I say "you're stuffy" she signs "Snuffy" (as in the big scary thing from Sesame Street that she loves so much). He said that it absolutely could....(I still question if it could be a language thing too?)....so I guess we'll see if the tubes help with the clarity of her hearing. Zoya did not do well coming out of anesthesia last time, so prayers that it would be easier for her this time would be greatly appreciated.
She has been keeping us on our toes lately. Ever since she got her last two vaccines (Wednesday) she has been very cranky and crying at the drop of a hat.....and very emotional. Its like I look at her the wrong way and she cries. She never reacts well after vaccines and I'm starting to really hate them. I think the Christmas excitement after-effects and change in routine could also be playing a role in her behavior change lately. She has not been feeling great and had some awful stomach pain after dinner tonight and cried for about thirty minutes straight until Shawn could go to CVS and back home with gas relief drops! Zoya has seemed to go through good and not so good periods since being home. The good periods, over time, have gotten longer and the bad periods have gotten shorter, but right now we're in one of those stages where it's just tough to figure out what is bugging my girl. She is learning to feel emotions she has never felt before and sometimes I wonder if she just doesn't know how to react to feeling all those emotions. Its funny because when she was first home she almost never cried. She would laugh when she got hurt. So we tried so hard to get her to cry by making sad faces and saying things like "my poooooor baby, it's oooookay" and showing her it was appropriate to cry and now I can't get her to stop! So whatever it is, I hope she is back to herself soon. It is times like these that I feel like I have oh so much to learn about being a good momma. I hate when I can't help her or figure her out or fix her.
So with all that said, I hope today is no indication of what the New Year is to bring...but whatever the new year brings God will still be the same God...unchanged....loving...merciful....gracious....through the peaks and valleys of life.
P.S. cute videos coming soon when I take the time to upload them :)