Wednesday, December 23, 2009


Today was by far the hardest day for me since we committed to adopt Zoya.  Waiting makes my heart ache.  Waiting is hard.  Waiting reminds me that I really have no control over this entire process.  A few things have happened lately that make me wonder what the heck God is thinking and why He can't let me in on His plan and His timing.  I realize that His plan is the best plan, but when I can't see what His plan IS, then I start to doubt it.  Faith is about trusting in the unknown and unseen.  My faith is shaken today.  I feel angry.  It would be a lot easier if I would just give in and not try to have control over the process of adopting Zoya.  But it's scary.  It's uncharted territory for me, to completely surrender all control, and most days I do my best.  But, today, I haven't done so well giving up the control. 

God always has a way of putting things into perspective for me when I start to feel bad for myself.  A great man named Derek Loux dedicated himself and his life to orphans.  He fathered the fatherless and hoped for a revolution in which orphans would be placed into loving families like never before.  He and his wife recently adopted three little boys with special needs from Eastern Europe, among other children they have adopted.  This morning, Derek was killed in an automobile accident, leaving behind his wife and children.  The family is in great need of prayer at this time.  You can visit the family blog at:  This terribly sad situation reminds me of two things: 1. the issues we are facing are not nearly as trying or difficult as what other people are going through at this very moment, and 2. God's plan is so big and grand that we may not yet be able to comprehend why things happen as they do.  Derek wrote an amazing post about Redemption as he was in the process of adopting the his three boys from Eastern Europe.  It is posted below.

"We are in the middle of adopting three special needs boys from an orphanage here. Two of the boys have Down Syndrome. Roman is high functioning, energetic and happy. Dimitri has serious mental retardation, failure to thrive, and though he is five years old, he is the size of a 1 year old. He has sores on his face, a distinct smell of death on him, and yells out if we try to do anything with him other than hold him. Because he has less ability to respond and learn, he naturally gets less attention and care from the orphanage workers in this world of limited resources. The harsh reality of the "survival of the fittest" principle is a life and death struggle that this little boy is losing fast. Our third boy Sasha, is a brilliant six year old who has Spina Bifida (the condition our son Josiah died from in 1996). He is like a learning sponge that can't get enough! He is happy and alert and thirsty for knowledge and experience. So with two of our boys, we get an immediate return on any investment we make. With Dimitri, there's not much immediate gratification. In fact, it's unknown when and if there will be a return at all. This is the kind of situation that makes the carnal, fallen, human reasoning think, "Why try? What's the point? What will this produce? What good will this do? Why not select a boy who has more potential? This looks like a lost cause.

Two days ago we drove for hours into the countryside to the village where Dimitri was born. We met with officials there and signed papers and answered their questions. We also went and saw Dimitri's house. The day had been long, we were still recovering from jet lag, I was beginning to really miss my six daughters at home and all the familiar things our fragile human hearts entangle themselves with in feeble attempts to feel secure. Sitting in the dark on our very long drive back to Novograd that night, the Holy Spirit began to whisper to my heart, and new understanding about redemption began to take shape.

I was thinking, "Man, adopting this little boy has been so much work. This is exhausting, expensive, uncomfortable … and it doesn't feel very rewarding right now." What am I doing in some little Soviet car in the dark, in the middle of rural Ukraine in frozen December, as the driver dodges cats and potholes? What if Dimitri doesn't improve at all? What if we get "nothing" out of this? … Ahhh, there it was; that dark, fallen, unreedemed, selfish human love, rooted in the tree of the knowledge of "good and evil". The love the Greeks called "erao" love. The love where we treat someone as precious and treasured for what we can get out of it. This is unlike "agapeo" love, the God kind of love that treats someone as treasured and precious for their good, not for my good. It's when I love a person in order to meet their needs, having no expectation of them meeting any of my needs. At a whole new level, God is working His kind of love into my weak heart, and He's using little Dimitri to do it.

On the drive home that night, the Lord whispered in my ear, "This is Redemption. Derek, do you know how far I travelled to get you and bring you back? I had to be separated from my Son, in order to get you, just like you are separated from your children in order to get these boys. Do you know how expensive it was for Me to purchase you? It cost me everything. Do you know how broken, sick, damaged, twisted, dirty, smelly, and hopeless you were? And at the end of it all, you had nothing to give me or add to me. I did it for you. I emptied myself and became nothing so that you could have it all. This is redemption.

My friends, adoption is redemption. It's costly, exhausting, expensive, and outrageous. Buying back lives costs so much. When God set out to redeem us, it killed Him. And when He redeems us, we can't even really appreciate or comprehend it, just like Dimitri will never comprehend or fully appreciate what is about to happen to him … but … he will live in the fruit of it. As his Daddy, I will never expect him to understand all of this or even to thank me. I just want to watch him live in the benefits of my love and experience the joys of being an heir in my family. This is how our heavenly "Papa" feels towards us.

Today, settle your busy heart down and rest in the benefits of redemption. Enjoy the fruits of His goodness, and stop trying to "pay Him back". You'll never get close you goofy little kid."

What amazing words.  It's not's not supposed to be.  Zoya too, will probably never understand or comprehend our undying love for her and what we've gone through to bring her home.  She shouldn't understand it.  Thats what makes it beautiful. Thank you Derek for setting an amazing example for others to follow and being an example of God's great love for all of us.


  1. I had read this post of Derek Loux before and it really touched me, and made me think. I don't even remember how I ended up on their blog and didn't continue to follow it after that. Several blogs I read had mentioned his accident, but it hadn't clicked..this very post that you quoted. What beautiful insight he had. Praying for his family in their time of loss.

  2. You are an amazing writer. May I quote what you said about the little boy with DS on my blog?
    I just love it and you said it so perfectly!