Keepin' It Real

This is one of those weeks I'd like to file under "SHRED." Oiy! It's one of those weeks where so many things go wrong that it's hard to focus on any one good thing. It's been one of those weeks where I feel like a failure at work and at home. I don't know where to start with this vent other than to say having $2,200 stolen out of your checking account from someone in London to buy a Rolex watch, deciding to find a new church family, having a sick child who only wants to be held and if she's not she's crying and by crying i mean screaming like someone put spikes in her seat (as my hubby says), being sick myself, feeling spread thinner than a pancake between work and home, sitting next to a dog who hasn't had a bath in God knows how long, and having a migraine the size of Texas....wwwaaaaahhhhhh!

The stolen money thing...just makes me plain angry. We work hard for our money and some jerk just thinks it's totally fine to buy a luxurious item with someone else's money.

The new church family thing....well I'm not going to say much other than lots of hurt in that area.

Sick child....first antibiotic for a throat infection and trying to figure out what the heck is going on with her is just exhausting. Days like today remind me that my child spent her first almost two years in an orphanage alone and it will take time for her to develop emotionally. Every so often (almost always when she is sick, teething, or just had vaccines) Zoya picks something to be terrified of....something she has done a million times before with no issues.....once it was one of her previous favorite videos that she decided to be terrified of, once it was napping in her crib, once it was wearing her therapeutic listening headphones, and now it is sitting at the kitchen table to eat. I. HAVE. NO. IDEA! My theory is that she is NOT being manipulative, although I used to think that right up until an hour ago actually. All I can think is when she is sick she is reminded of being sick for so long with nobody to love her. I don't think she has actual flashbacks or memories of what happened, but I do think there is some chemical stress response in her body due to her lack of bonding with a parent for almost two years and it is triggered when she is sick because her brain learned to make that connection during her "alone years"...sick and alone equals terrified so sick (even though she isn't alone) is enough to trigger the same terrified emotions.  I know kids are not fun when they are sick, but with Zoya it is different. It is like she is terrified and needs to be held and reassured that she will not be left alone. It is so sad to see. She seriously looks scared to death. I'm trying to learn how to be a better parent to Zoya...finding the balance between love and discipline and figuring out how to help her without going overboard and spoiling her rotton because I feel so guilty about her first two years alone. It is NOT easy, I'm not gonna lie. In fact at one point tonight poor Shawn had to deal with both me AND Zoya crying. 98% of the time Zoya is the happiest kid on the planet, but when she goes through these phases it is just plain difficult. I start to question myself on every decision I make and wonder what I could/should be doing differently for her. I focus on just this and not all of the amazing things she has done in the past 10 months....her test scores alone jumped on average 21 months in development in 10 short months. But on days like today none of that is enough to make me feel like I'm not a huge failure.

The being sick myself thing is not a huge deal except on top of everything else it just makes me feel even poopier.

Feeling spread thin between work and home will be a never ending working mom battle I will always have to deal with as long as I'm working. It's just not an easy thing. The guilt of feeling like I'm doing a half-as*ed job at everything is incredible.

And my dog smells bad but that is the least of my worries LOL!

The migraine will eventually go away even if it's not until summer vacation....but still.....

So this is me keeping it real so you don't all look at my incredibly adorable happy pictures and think life is always easy and happy....nope...not by a long shot....days like today have a purpose of helping me to be more thankful for all the good days. And now I'm going to suck it up and stop whining and wait for your encouraging comments :)