Thursday, March 24, 2011

Keepin' It Real

This is one of those weeks I'd like to file under "SHRED." Oiy! It's one of those weeks where so many things go wrong that it's hard to focus on any one good thing. It's been one of those weeks where I feel like a failure at work and at home. I don't know where to start with this vent other than to say having $2,200 stolen out of your checking account from someone in London to buy a Rolex watch, deciding to find a new church family, having a sick child who only wants to be held and if she's not she's crying and by crying i mean screaming like someone put spikes in her seat (as my hubby says), being sick myself, feeling spread thinner than a pancake between work and home, sitting next to a dog who hasn't had a bath in God knows how long, and having a migraine the size of Texas....wwwaaaaahhhhhh!

The stolen money thing...just makes me plain angry. We work hard for our money and some jerk just thinks it's totally fine to buy a luxurious item with someone else's money.

The new church family thing....well I'm not going to say much other than lots of hurt in that area.

Sick child....first antibiotic for a throat infection and trying to figure out what the heck is going on with her is just exhausting. Days like today remind me that my child spent her first almost two years in an orphanage alone and it will take time for her to develop emotionally. Every so often (almost always when she is sick, teething, or just had vaccines) Zoya picks something to be terrified of....something she has done a million times before with no issues.....once it was one of her previous favorite videos that she decided to be terrified of, once it was napping in her crib, once it was wearing her therapeutic listening headphones, and now it is sitting at the kitchen table to eat. I. HAVE. NO. IDEA! My theory is that she is NOT being manipulative, although I used to think that right up until an hour ago actually. All I can think is when she is sick she is reminded of being sick for so long with nobody to love her. I don't think she has actual flashbacks or memories of what happened, but I do think there is some chemical stress response in her body due to her lack of bonding with a parent for almost two years and it is triggered when she is sick because her brain learned to make that connection during her "alone years"...sick and alone equals terrified so sick (even though she isn't alone) is enough to trigger the same terrified emotions.  I know kids are not fun when they are sick, but with Zoya it is different. It is like she is terrified and needs to be held and reassured that she will not be left alone. It is so sad to see. She seriously looks scared to death. I'm trying to learn how to be a better parent to Zoya...finding the balance between love and discipline and figuring out how to help her without going overboard and spoiling her rotton because I feel so guilty about her first two years alone. It is NOT easy, I'm not gonna lie. In fact at one point tonight poor Shawn had to deal with both me AND Zoya crying. 98% of the time Zoya is the happiest kid on the planet, but when she goes through these phases it is just plain difficult. I start to question myself on every decision I make and wonder what I could/should be doing differently for her. I focus on just this and not all of the amazing things she has done in the past 10 months....her test scores alone jumped on average 21 months in development in 10 short months. But on days like today none of that is enough to make me feel like I'm not a huge failure.

The being sick myself thing is not a huge deal except on top of everything else it just makes me feel even poopier.

Feeling spread thin between work and home will be a never ending working mom battle I will always have to deal with as long as I'm working. It's just not an easy thing. The guilt of feeling like I'm doing a half-as*ed job at everything is incredible.

And my dog smells bad but that is the least of my worries LOL!

The migraine will eventually go away even if it's not until summer vacation....but still.....

So this is me keeping it real so you don't all look at my incredibly adorable happy pictures and think life is always easy and happy....nope...not by a long shot....days like today have a purpose of helping me to be more thankful for all the good days. And now I'm going to suck it up and stop whining and wait for your encouraging comments :)

17 comments:

  1. Aw, Sarah!! Big (((HUGS))!!! We all have those kind of days. And being a first time mom, learning about that mom guilt (of constantly second guessing yourself) is still very new to you - it takes all new moms by surprise! You have a lot on your plate. I hope you all feel better. Just think about June, relaxing on that white sandy beach....

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm sorry you're having such a rough week this week. We will be praying for you. Zoya looks like such a sweet girl. I'm sure it is very challenging when she gets sick. My heart just breaks for her and Carrington. My husband and I hope the Lord allows us to adopt some day. We're not sure how it will ever work, but we just know if He wants it to happen He'll provide a way.

    I'm thankful that there are people like you and your husband out there fulfilling God's call to care for the orphans :).

    ReplyDelete
  3. Oh my heart goes out to all of you.

    :( Cyber hug coming your way.

    Get better Ms. Zoya!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Just keep doing what you are doing. You are loving your daughter the best way you know how. None of us as parents (even those who do not have children with as many obstacles as Zoya has had) all feel like we are inadequate at times. That is a trap we can fall into and it zaps the joy from parenting. Listen to your instincts on what she needs in the moment and don't worry about what lasting consequences it will have. There will be times where you can put other pieces in place but for now, just be the best mama you can in all of the precious moments God has given you both to have with one another.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Aww Sarah, I hate that for you and Zoya. I think when Zoya picks something like that to be terrified of she is just saying she can't handle any additional stress even if to you it shouldn't be stressful. It's like I can usually handle this but today, feeling like crud, it's just too much. Maybe it's sensory, or maybe it's a little control thing. We have all been there and it just feels terrible when you are in the thick of it but hopefully she will start feeling better soon. Thinking of you and lifting you up in prayer.

    ReplyDelete
  6. A rolex? Wow some people really know how to spend your money! That is horrible that someone stole from you. Most banks are really good about getting the money back. Hope tomorrow is a better day :)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Thinking of you! PRAYING for YOU!!!
    (May I give your dog the bath??:):)
    Hugs, Christina

    ReplyDelete
  8. be encouraged :-) "this too shall pass" is honestly one of my favorite reminders to myself. you are the perfect mom for zoya- i am certain that God chose you for each other- and that you are doing a great job! pretty sure that this is my first time commenting- i could just so relate to this one that i had to comment.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Ask your doctor for Immitrex for your migraine. I had horrific migraines 3-5 times a month for 10 years. I never would have survived without Immitrex or other migraine meds. I don't get them any more (knocking on wood) yet I still keep my meds just in case.

    Does your bank have any kind of protection service to cover the stolen funds? You can easily prove you weren't in England at the time of the erroneous purchase. When you feel well enough, fight it!

    Hugs to your little one! I'm sure after 2 years of having NO control in her life, her odd "fears" are simply her way of reassuring herself that she now has some control over her life and that her needs will be met. Poor thing.

    Hang in there - you're doing such an awesome job.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Sarah! I am right there with you on the 'last straw' feeling. I know when I get that feeling - I need to get out... Go paint pottery, go walk the shopping center and eat a yummy lunch, take a minute to just be YOU. And now my kiddos just woke up right at the same time and this end my moment with my coffee and my blogs :)

    ReplyDelete
  11. OH AND YES! BEACH BEACH BEACH!!! Check out my Spring Break Pics! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  12. Hey, maybe it physically hurts to swallow and that also triggers memories of the orphanage- just a thought. Your life with Zoya has been a beutiful thing to watch and I love that you share it with all of us.

    Church issues hurt- God -willing, you will find a "family" to build you up. I am so sorry, though....
    I was just reading in Romans that God PRE-DESTINED us for His kingdom, then He CALLED us up to see if we were willing, then He JUSTIFIED us, ( dunno what that means except that I think he will take care of our hurts and sins), and that He will also GLORIFY us. Sounds like you could use some o' that right now! I was telling my daughter that I think we could say NO at any step and He would respect that, but AAAAMMMEEENN we say "YES, pour it on Father!".

    Spray the dog with something hypoallergenic and maybe the migraine will pass too!

    God bless you today, K

    ReplyDelete
  13. Zoya is beautiful! You're doing a great job!!!!
    Shelly

    ReplyDelete
  14. I popped over here from Carrington's blog and just saw this post. It made me smile, because this last week and the start of this...well, have been just like that....lots of mini storms (adoption psych interview, physical, home study visit...etc. etc. etc.)

    We've also been through the pain of feeling it necessary to leave a Church. It feels almost like a physical fracture...praying for you.

    Hope this next week if full of blessings.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I popped over here from Carrington's blog and just saw this post. It made me smile, because this last week and the start of this...well, have been just like that....lots of mini storms (adoption psych interview, physical, home study visit...etc. etc. etc.)

    We've also been through the pain of feeling it necessary to leave a Church. It feels almost like a physical fracture...praying for you.

    Hope this next week if full of blessings.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Sarah, all mothers and children have these times...and the phases are just that, phases...and so they will pass...but, in the mean time...be gentle with yourself. You are a great mom and as you can see there are great moments and not so great moments and some ok moments and you wouldn't trade them for anything, NOT EVEN $2,000:-) Next door if you need me, Liz

    ReplyDelete
  17. I am a new reader to your blog but I want to start off by first saying
    GOD BLESS, for people like you to have the heart, patientce, strength, love and endurance for the angels God gives us.
    My daughter was diagnosed with Williams SYndrome and she is missing chromosome 7 it is very rare so I dont have many epeople to relate to.
    But you are truly an amazing woman

    ReplyDelete