So two days into being a working momma (and the students don't even come until tomorrow) and I can feel my shoulders and neck tightened into a ball of stress. I feel I have to fight the urge to cry at random times. I feel guilty for leaving my girl whom I've spent practically every waking moment with since returning home from Ukraine. I feel stressed wondering how I'm going to balance all of my momma duties with all of my work duties. I keep forgetting to eat or pee or do ANYTHING that my body requires to stay happy and healthy. I feel run down already and can't keep up with everything I'm trying to get done. I left for work this morning and the dog put her tail between her legs and gave me a sad look. Even she is mad at me. So many emotions over the past two days and I have a feeling next week will be even harder....once the adrenaline has worn off from the first back to school week.
I am smart enough to know that Zoya is taken care of and loved when I'm not here, whether it be by Shawn or by her wonderful babysitter. BUT giving up the control is hard. Harder than anything I've ever done before. I am a self-admitted control freak. Since I have been back to work and Shawn has been with Zoya most days, I find myself texting him things like, "Did she poop yet? Was it solid? Did she eat? Is she happy? How long did she nap for? Does she have a fever?" Yes this is true...poor Shawn. He has done well by sending me pictures and updates throughout the days. But I still feel like nobody can do my job as good as me because they aren't supposed to be able to...after all I am her Momma! How do I give up some control and stop stressing over every little thing? How do I stop feeling guilty for leaving Zoya? Zoya had some therapies today and of course I wasn't here. She wasn't on her best behavior. Of course I think that's because I wasn't here and I have been the one to be at all of her therapies since we brought her home. She knows how to push people and push her limits...she will take every single inch she can get! She needs structure. She needs discipline. She needs strict boundaries and if even one time I let her get away with something she knows she isn't allowed to, she will try it a million more times just to see if I keep saying no. I am very strict with Zoya because I know that is what she craves and needs (even though she cries her eyes out when she goes to time out). So since I've been working, I find Zoya trying things when I'm home that she clearly KNOWS she isn't allowed to do. As consistent as we try to be, it is impossible to be exactly the same. So then my mind starts wandering and worrying about when she goes to school and will the teachers know enough to give her the limits she needs....because she could easily come unraveled very quickly if not given the structure and boundaries she needs. Then my mind wanders to all her little quirky Zoya things that nobody else understands. Will they think she is trying to hurt the kids when she tackles them with a love hug? Because clearly she is not...but I suppose it could appear that way. Anyways...I'm getting ahead of myself here by at least a year!
Sooo tonight I'm struggling....A LOT with returning to work, although I know it is what I need to do for our family at this time. And I keep reminding myself when she is school age she will attend the school I work at which will be wonderful! BUT that doesn't make this any easier. I knew it would be hard but I didn't think it would be this hard. Giving up control is hard for me....maybe impossible. I can do this (repeat 100 times through the tears)!