First of all, sorry about the lack in posts. I've been sick, and also stressing gearing up to become a working mama for the first time (I go back to teaching full time the last week in August and am dreading leaving Zoya so some prayers would be nice). This is one of those posts where I'm posting just to vent and I really don't want any "don't be so hard on yourself" orself-affirming comments, so I've turned the comments off on this particular post. I need to just feel how I feel without anybody trying to talk me out of it, while knowing others are reading and remembering I'm not perfect....we're not perfect....our life is not perfect (although most days it's pretty darn good). It is what it is and I know there will be more days like today. Thankfully God is in charge of the bigger picture.
It's one of those days where I'm ready to throw in the towel and its only noon. Some days I feel so unprepared to be Zoya's mother. Some days I feel like I'm failing at this motherhood thing. Some days I feel like I have not the slightest idea how to help her, how to reach her, how to understand what's on her heart. Some days I really wonder why God thought I'd be the best mama for Zoya. I realize that I hold myself to unrealistic standards thinking I have so much lost ground to cover and thinking how I never want her to remember the hurt she went through in her early years and how I never want her to feel abandoned again (because maybe I know a sliver of what that feels like). The overwhelming feeling that I won't be enough for her, or be able to help her overcome all that she's been through, is suffocating on days like today. Most of our days together have been amazing and triumphant. But I'd be lying if I said they were all that way. I don't know any mother that could say any different, it's just that not everyone wants to talk about the bad days. We have had our share of days where we don't understand each other, where we both cry (and scream), where we get frustrated with each other, and where we feel life would be easier to ignore the ghosts of the past, burry the pain down deep, and never look back. It is a lot harder to dig up the ghosts, look them in the face and tell them they will not haunt us any longer. That means each day that we remember all the wrong that was done to Zoya and all the ground we have to cover, we will use it to empower us and her, rather than let it suffocate us. Easier said than done.
The fact is, it is WORK to get to the point in our relationship that Zoya and I have come to as mother and daughter. Thankfully, I felt a bond with her the instant I met her, which I know is not true for all adoptive mamas. Still I've had many days where I have to make a conscious effort to love her, hold her, stop everything else around me and just be with her. She needs that, still after 3 months, she demands a reminder that I will never ever leave her. She has days where she is so clingy and has a real fear in her eyes that I wonder what is going through her mind (other than the normal 2 year old stuff). She has days where she just cries. Yes I know every 2 year old has those days, and I'm not trying to create something more than that, but it IS something more than that. I know she still grieves for what was done to her....the difference is, she has no feelings of revenge or mistrust because of it, she just needs to work through what her 2 year old mind can understand about it. Sometimes I forget for a second or two all that Zoya went through. Thankfully she is young enough that she will likely never have memories of where she lived or what she went through, but she still missed out on love and bonding and no matter what I do, I can't get back those 22 months she spent alone with nobody to hold her, rock her, kiss her, and love on her. I have guilt about that even though I am intelligent enough to understand that there is nothing that I could have done differently to change the situation. The moments of fear I sometimes still see in her eyes is a reminder of all she's been through.
Days like today I need to stop and acknowledge that although I can never get those 22 months back, or change the beginning of her story, I sure can help her to write the rest of it! It is easy to feel helpless and guilty about that period of time in her life, but I need to change my attitude and focus on what we have been called to do with her, which is to help her heal and move on to become the child God intended her to become. Hopefully by keeping this in mind, I can be more forgiving of myself, allow myself to have bad days without beating myself up over it and without thinking I have failed. God chose me to be Zoya's mother. He didn't choose anyone else. He chose me through the good days and the bad. He is equipping me to be the best mother she could have. I am a work in progress.